Happy Birthday to My Two Sons! Today I am the Mom of TWO Teenagers; How Did this Happen?

In my blogs I more often write about my youngest, our only girl.  Writing about teenagers is complex and wrought with peril of all kinds.  So out of respect for my boys’ wishes and our relationships, they generally don’t appear frequently and when they do, it involves a younger version.  I am making a mom exception for this post. 

My boys share a birthday which is a special thing.  They were both born on the same day in February four years apart.  My husband was still a full time basketball coach and teacher then.  I didn’t see him much from November through February.  So I wanted my first child born in March.  And I did the math and was delighted when his due date was March 3.  But he had the bad grace to come two weeks early making his birthday in the middle of play-offs.  

When we were ready to have baby number two, I did the math again and was hoping for a more cooperative child.  This one too had a March 3 due date but like his brother decided on an early rather than on time arrival.  He managed to join our family just 45 minutes after his brother’s birthday began which allowed his dad to finish coaching his basketball game.

Looking back I am amazed that 17 and 13 years have passed already.  I remember them both vividly as infants as if they were in my arms yesterday: my eldest as a tiny baby with a shock of black hair that disappeared to reveal a beautiful bald head until his brown hair grew in; my second as a large infant with no hair but early teeth who was constantly consumed by his voracious appetite.

As they are now no longer those sweet babies, or the little boys that followed so quickly after, but rather young men, I find it harder to fully convey how much I love them, how proud I am of who they are becoming and how big my dreams are for their future.  I am also painfully aware that each year that passes means they hold back a little bit more for themselves and there is a little less we share.  I know our time together is numbered.  So it is with bittersweet tears, I want to share my wish for each of them in a way that conveys my heart without totally embarrassing teen sensibilities (fingers crossed).

My first born, my Dimitri, you made me a mom 17 years ago today and that day changed the course of my life and priorities forever.  You are your father’s son in a number of ways with your competitive spirit and mercurial nature.  However, many of your interests and pursuits are ones we share.  You have a heart of gold and loyalty that runs through your core.  You are a creative free spirit who is comfortable in your own skin in a manner many adults would envy.  You know your mind and provide flashes of depth of thought and ideas that make me want to learn more.  You are a big brother your siblings adore even though having a pre-teen, now teen, brother hasn’t been easy for you (or him).  Your brother still uses you as a yardstick for what he wants to accomplish.  Your sister views you as her port in a storm; the one she can count on when she is afraid or the world doesn’t make sense.  You have a way with creatures of all kinds that always amazed me.  Your talents and gifts are many and varied although I know you find the way ahead murky.  I want you to take all your best qualities and carve a path for yourself that makes you excited to wake up every morning and gives your life joy and meaning.

Dimitri Orestes Angelidis – I love you with my whole heart and wish the best for you in this last year before you officially become a young adult.  May you find at least some of the answers you seek.

My second born, my Damian, you made me want to have more kids after your sunny nature graced our family.  You challenged my ability to survive without a good night’s sleep for two years and made me discover things about myself I never knew.  You march to the beat of your own drum and live in a different world from the physical one most of us inhabit.  Yours is a happy place full of laughter and music and movement.   I watch you and wonder what goes on in your mind.  You make people smile just by being you and your bear hugs cocoon the lucky recipient in a blanket of warmth.  You are my child in many ways including your private nature for the deepest parts of you and for your stubbornness in things you view as right.  However, you live in the moment and enjoy the ordinary as I wish I could more freely.  Your thoughtfulness and ability to use poetry to connect is enviable.  As a middle child, you are both an adoring younger brother and an entertaining older one.  You are a conundrum combining math skills and writing as well as the ability to lose anything you touch.  Although you feel things acutely, you aren’t always comfortable sharing.  I want you to see all the power and good in yourself and in those around you; then take both and rock the world.

Damian Michael Angelidis – I love you to the moon and back and wish you peace and courage as you enter your teen years.  May you make the most of this intense journey of self-discovery.

You both blessed my life in ways I cannot find words to adequately express and it chokes me up to even try.  I am a lucky, lucky person to be your mom!  Happy Birthday my two awesome sons!

Choosing Who You Spend Time with When You Are Away From Your Children

I recall listening raptly to a speech by a prominent senior female executive early in my career. One statement she made stuck with me over the years. “If you are going to spend time away from your kids, make sure it is doing something you love with people you care about.” I also heard a related comment later, “We spend much time selecting who we will date or marry. But we rarely dedicate time to choose who we work with, even though we often spend more time with them.”

I admit I generally was more focused on my role versus the team I was joining until the last decade. I was asked recently to describe the best team I had ever been on and what made it great. Each meeting participant was asked to do the same. As we went around the table, I heard common themes emerge. For me, my best team was one where I hired every member of the team. A number of years back, I was asked to take on a role which required crafting a strategy and building a team from scratch for a key effort.

What was it that makes that team special? I wanted to understand as an intellectual exercise. But I also want to know for the very practical reason that I wanted to recreate the magic of a synergistic group as I move to other roles. I was amazed at how much could be accomplished with joy in the process and the people. I came away with a list of traits I now seek when I choose those to spend time with when I am not with my beloved family:

Top Five Individual Qualities

First, they are irrational optimistic. They believe it can be done. In the face of obstacles, they persevere because they know the solution is out there.

Second, they are secure individuals who enjoy collaboration. They understand much more can be done together when credit is not an issue. They work to bring out the best in and learn from each other.

Third, they are a good balance of the analytical left brain and creative right brain. They can dig into the details and measure success. But they can also create a compelling vision that inspires, and sell it.

Fourth, they are hungry and impatient. They never think we are moving fast enough. They are owners, willing to do whatever it takes, with no ego involved.

Fifth, they embrace that what they are doing matters and want to make a positive impact. They look at their role as a type of calling rather than a job.

Top Five Team Qualifications:

First, the group is bonded and cheer each individual as well as team success. They share trust and support each other's priorities outside the office, especially ones related to family.

Second, the group allows everyone to work in the way that suits them; no judgment. They do it with consideration for what is ultimately best for each member and the whole.

Third, thegroup celebrates diversity and has a lot of it in all forms: male and female, ages, backgrounds, cultures, experience, views, abilities and strengths.

Fourth, a sense of joint ownership runs through the group. They embrace the ideal they only win as a team and any failure is shared. They have a single minded focus on achieving a common vision.

Fifth, the group knows how to have fun, and to enjoy the process and each other. They take pressure off as well as share the load and laughs frequently.

Thank you to this amazing team for teaching me some powerful lessons and for joining me on this journey. I hope some of us find ourselves on another team together down the road.  Thank you to the teams since that have shared many of these qualities. 

And I hope those reading, and my kids when it is their turn, get a chance to participate in this type of synergy in action.

Ten Eye-Opening Things I Learned About Myself by Using a Fitbit

Ten Eye Opening Things I Learned About Myself By Using a Fitbit

A friend of mine raved about her fitbit.  And she is someone who rarely gushes so I was intrigued.  I thought $100 for what essentially seemed like a pedometer was a little steep.  But I went ahead and bought it and then started using it.  Immediately, I began to learn surprising things about myself:

First , I don’t move very much.  I considered myself pretty active but when at the end of the day the fitbit read 3000 (okay to be totally honest sometimes I didn’t break 2000) steps it was hard to hold on to that image.

Second, I eat a lot.  I graze and generally try to stay with healthy snacks but those 50 and 100 calorie snacks really add up.  A little here and there ends up equaling a hefty amount of calories at the end of the day.

Third, my metabolism is not the problem.  I believed as I was aging and had gone through “the change” quite early that I had as I would happily tell others, “the metabolism of an old woman.”  Turns out, I don’t.  I just eat more than I move – see above.

Fourth, I was lying to myself.  The numbers didn’t lie; but I had been less than honest with myself for some time.  One pound is roughly 3600 calories.  To make an unwanted one go away, I needed to burn that many excess calories.  At 100-500 extra calories burned a day, I needed to expend both time and effort to achieve a 10-15 pound (taking in  less 36,000-54,000 calories than I useed) weight loss goal.  It wasn’t that “I just can’t lose those extra pounds.”  I wasn’t willing to do what the math required.

Fifth, I really enjoy getting credit.  When each step was counted, I found myself looking for opportunities, even small ridiculous ones like walking around the moving elevator – assuming no one else was in there – to get more steps.   I felt like a success when I hit 10,000 steps in a day and would plan where I could get steps in as I looked at my daily schedule.  Who knew that walking back and forth during a kid’s soccer game rather than sitting in a chair could net me 5,000 or more steps.

Sixth, I was wrong about little changes not being enough.  I used to scoff at those suggestions to park your car far away from the store entrance.  In my head, I would say “Really, how about 45 minutes on the elliptical if you want something to happen.”  Except now, I no longer want to give up 45 minutes of a day to something that doesn’t give me joy, help someone else, or involve my family.  And those little efforts do really add up as I found when I looked at my total at the end of the day and the results at the end of a few months.

Seventh, I do have 15-30 minutes most days I can devote to walking.  It may not be all at once or the same time each day but it’s there if I look for it.  It may be taking the stairs, walking to the bathroom down the hall, or getting my coffee from the Starbucks a few blocks away.  Just that awareness made finding it easier for me.

Eighth, I can gain significant physical health benefits that I sorely need without making huge changes.  I lost 17 pounds over the course of nine months, had more energy, and my blood pressure improved. Wow, why did I wait so long to start??

Ninth, I can realize real mental health benefits that I had not even considered by combining walking with other things like reflecting, time with my children, or walking with a friend.  As I walked with my kids, by myself, with my dog, or with even a colleague instead of a coffee meeting, I found new ways to connect to those I care about, more time to wrestle with deeper questions (just being outside more lifted my spirits in ways I would not have imagined), and even came up with solutions to some thorny work challenges.  Two of my favorite walking buddies -- my daughter and my pup -- are pictured.

Tenth,  I really enjoy sharing when I find something powerful -- it feels like a multiplier of the positive effect.  I have told more people about fitbit than I can count.  I am still so surprised that something so small and seemingly insignificant could have brought such profound changes and learning in my life.  I feel like I was given a gift and it would be selfish of me not to give others the same.  Give it a try, you might be surprised.

Happy 22nd Anniversary -- Learning to Let Go and Grow

When I look at my life so far, including being a mom and my professional achievements, and think about what I am most proud of and what brings me the greatest joy, I have to say our 22 year union is definitely at the top of that list.  A long, fulfilling marriage doesn’t just happen, much as the fairy tales of youth promised I just needed to find my prince and live happily ever after.  I found it is definitely work, tough get in the trenches through disappointments and challenges; take a good hard look at myself and what is most important to me, stuff.    

In getting married, I gave up a lot of what I cherished.  I am extremely independent and self sufficient. By joining my life with Michael's on an August day two decades prior, I had to take into account another's perspective. I have definite thoughts on the proper “how” of many things – how the house should look, how to raise kids, how to pursue a career, and the list goes on and on.  Marriage made those all up for discussion and debate.  I treasure solitude as an introvert who lives in an extrovert world.  I need time to fill back up what, putting myself out there for so much of the time, takes out.  Sharing a domicile with another (and then a few more) means solitude must be planned and sought out; sometimes it is not even possible.  I like life steady. I have been described an unnaturally “Zen” person.  Not much gets me upset or panicked.  I assume things will work out until faced with unconverted evidence to the contrary.  My spouse more often takes the first warning sign as an omen of terrible things to come.  His family and culture seem to me to revel in huge ups and downs whether for matters of great gravity or those of relative triviality.  Now I must work harder to keep an even keel living alongside someone whose natural balance includes wild swings.

 

Why then do I feel our marriage is one of my proudest achievements and greatest joys?  It is because the more I let go, the more I am able to stretch my horizons to evolve and grow as a person.

The very hardest thing for me to surrender was the feeling of maintaining control; which I fiercely guarded for years after we were married. I was fine making decisions together.  But I needed to maintain a sense I was still in the driver seat of my life.  But one October day, the steering wheel was wrest violently out of my hands.  I could either accept a co-pilot or . . . . . 

I was diagnosed with cancer at 37.  Devastated and terrified, I could see all my emotions perfectly reflected on my love’s face when I shared the news.  I then made a request I know now was totally unfair. I asked, “Can you please act like everything is normal or I don't think I can get through this.”  I lost control over my life and was trying desperately to get it back.  After a lengthy surgery, I wanted to get on my feet and get moving, against the nurse’s instructions.  I recall a heated discussion at the hospital.  I couldn’t fathom why Michael did not get this was important to me.  He didn’t seem to appreciate how helpless I felt and how much I hated that feeling.  We had two little boys who needed their mom back.  And I wanted to hit the fast forward button and put this nightmare in my rear view mirror, no matter the cost. 

For a long time I was confused by Michael’s reaction and frankly a little hurt and disappointed.  Life characteristically moved on and we relocated cross country, both got new jobs and had a million different activities to take up the time – so we never really resolved the disconnect.  Then I attended ceremony where Michael gave the key note address to graduating high school students as they faced their futures.  I knew a bit of what he intended to say about life altering events for him, including the birth of our  first son who they feared had a life threatening condition, both his parents health crisis and my run in with the “C” word. 

However, I heard more than I expected.  Michael's brown eyes filled and his deep voice cracked trying to maintain composure while he shared his experience as the spouse. I found tears welling and then freely rolling down my cheeks as he described sitting for 6 hours, all alone, in the hospital waiting room and praying, praying, praying . . while I was under the surgeon’s scalpel.  I realized I didn’t know he was alone.  I didn’t know the surgery took 6 hours.  And it hit me why he had the reaction he did when I came out of surgery those years ago.  I could only imagine what it must have been like for him; his sense of helplessness must have been equal to, if not greater, than mine. 

Being married for 22 years provided me many opportunities to learn and come closer to the person I would like to be.  Letting go of what appears so critical at the time, often gives me great clarity and insight.  My husband’s final words to the graduating class said it best, “What is more important than all the success you seek to achieve, is to find someone you love to share it with, as I have.”  

 

I love you Michael. Happy 22^nd anniversary! Looking forward to the next 22!

"My Son is Getting Chemo"

My husband asked me to accompany my nearly eleven year old son, Damian, for his minor surgery a few years back.  Michael is not comfortable in hospitals.  I agreed although the thought of spending time there was not appealing to me either.  My son grumbled on the drive because he had not been able to eat or drink for most of the day to prepare.  He definitely has enjoyed being well nourished since he was a baby.  We laugh at his first picture where it looks like he is sucking.  The two of us arrived late afternoon and checked in. 

As I was filling out the paperwork, I overheard one nurse tell another, “We are behind by at least an hour.  This happens all the time and I wish they planned better.”  I asked for an update on our scheduled time and they confirmed it was delayed.  I pointed out it would have been easy to make a phone call and let me know.  We could then have avoided spending extra hours at the hospital waiting around.  I got the obligatory, “So sorry, there is nothing we can do.  This is hospital policy.”  I felt talked down to and that my even raising the question was somehow a breach of etiquette. 

The nurse then, on her own initiative, got her supervisor to come by to tell me exactly the same thing.  Now I am starting to boil.   I understood the words perfectly the first time.  Having them delivered by a person with some authority did nothing to rectify the situation or make me feel validated.  In fact, it had the opposite effect.  I was then told I was welcome to file a complaint.  I tried not to lose sight of why I was there - -to support my son – although I was getting more upset about their efforts to justify their actions than I was about the original delay. 

To get my focus back on track, I turned to my son and asked if he was glad I was there with him.  He replied, “I am happy you came, Mommy, because I am scared.”  Now I was refocused. I told him, “You don’t look scared,” as he happily watched cartoons in his unflattering hospital gown.  (He was none too happy with having this memorialized as you can see.)  He replied, “That’s because I am good at hiding it.”  Hmmm, not the response I expected.  My mind was taken back to when he was a toddler and not so good at hiding his fears.  We decided to go to an all-inclusive hotel in Mexico for a family vacation.   We settled on the only one with a kids club that accepted 2 year olds.  We discover another resort next door with exciting options including turtles, black panthers and an underground water way you could float down.  We decided to see the animals and experience the river. 

When we got to the entry point of the stream, we were each given life jackets.  Damian, then two, excitedly pulled his on over this head.  And he and I jumped together into the unexpectedly frigid water and began floating with the current.  As we entered the underground caverns, Damian, no longer was sure this was for him, started thrashing and pushing me down.  I was afraid for both of us.  So I started singing nursery rhymes and asked him to sing with me.  As soon as he started belting out “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” his body relaxed.  And he again floated peacefully with me inside the dark spaces.  We continued down this river tour with people laughing as they passed by us or occasionally even joining in the impromptu caroling.  After serenading perfect strangers with every child friendly song we knew (and a few twice), we arrived safely at the other side.  His ability to change his perspective, and focus on the something other than his fear, gave him a whole new view of the experience.

Since we had time, we decided to walk around a bit.  After some exploration of the hospital, we eventually received word the doctor was out of his prior surgery.  Damian was wheeled away for his turn.  And I went to find a Starbucks and get a much needed cup of coffee.  I found myself again reflecting on the annoyance of the unplanned late night and the unpleasant exchanges of earlier. 

As I waited for the elevator, another mother walked up and asked, “Done for the night?”  “No,” I replied.  “They just took my son away for surgery.”  She smiled sympathetically and shared, “My son is getting chemo.”  I quickly retorted, “Oh, that’s worse.”  She had the look of someone who knew too much about the subject as she said wearily, “They are all bad.”  During our brief ride, she shared her son was 15, just about the same age as my eldest at the time, and was being treated for lymphoma.  I sensed she received some small measure of comfort from what she perceived as our shared experience.  I did not have the heart to tell her my son’s surgery was of a routine nature and nothing like what her son was battling. 

I walked out of the elevator feeling humbled and small.  How could I complain about such minor inconveniences when there were mothers, like this one, facing down gut wrenching challenges?  Why wasn’t I more grateful for the health of my children?  I realized for me too, like my son when he was a toddler, a change in perspective made me instantly see things very differently.  I owe that mother a big "thank you" for the important reminder.

 

Motherhood Lesson: Couple Time is So Vital And Yet So Hard to Find

Couple Vacation – Selfish or Survival:  I read this survey in a magazine while my husband and I were enjoying a rare couple’s vacation in Hawaii. 

I asked my husband what percent he thought said “survival.”  He guessed 70% -- the result was in fact 90%.  Finding time for the two of us has been a struggle for me since becoming a mom.  My husband was my first priority in our early time together although we were both busy with jobs, school and other activities.  We took a number of years to get to know each other before we took the plunge and became parents.  I vividly recall my fear when pregnant with my first son that bringing a child into our relationship might “ruin” it.  We are polar opposites in many respects and had worked hard to find balance and joy in our diversity. 

Our beautiful baby boy, who bore a striking resemblance to his handsome dad, of course did not ruin anything.  I remember seeing my spouse’s eyes fill up when he was handed our son in the hospital.  And I couldn’t have felt more love for him than I did at that moment.  That scene, baby to dad, dad’s eyes fill and my heart swells repeated itself with our second and third children although the last hand off took place in a house in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia.  In many ways, becoming parents brought us closer and took our relationship to a much deeper level as we saw ourselves and each other exhibited in various ways in our children.  But making quality time a priority was challenging in the context of a two working parent household.  We have only rarely taken a trip together.  And date nights are not a frequent occurrence either with all the kid and work activities.   When we did a good job of getting out together once a week for a period, it was unusual enough for our eldest to ask why we all of a sudden needed to spend that much time alone together.

When we lived apart for ten months in 2005, we learned how much we loved being in the same physical space and reveling in the little moments of each day.  But even following that experience, we struggled to keep balance between our familial relationships.  Kids’ needs are immediate and demand attention.  As a working mom, I prioritized those in the time I had.  I recall when we brought a baby conure (a small parrot) home as a pet for my eldest.  We previously bought a parakeet from a local pet store that died within the year which devastated him.  Dimitri did his research to determine what type of bird he wanted and I did mine to find a reputable a breeder.  Any baby has special requirements, even an aviary version.  We needed to acclimate it to our home and teach it skills which took time and patience.  And those duties fell to my eldest and me.

About a week after the little feathered one joined our family, my husband said to me in his deep Greek accented voice.  “I know I went down in your priorities with the birth of each of our boys.”  Our daughter had not yet arrived.  “I am okay being number three behind them.  But if I am now below the bird, we have a problem.”  I laughed out loud. Although looking at his face, I could see he was quite serious.  It is a line I remember when I realize I am starting to take our relationship for granted. 

We have our whole lives so it is easy to think I have time to focus on it later.  He is a big reason for my success.  He is the one I want there by my side for the triumphs and tragedies life brings us.  As we strolled around the stunningly beautiful grounds in Hawaii, we still enjoyed each other’s company without the craziness of three kids.  We have come far together over the decades with successes, struggles, laughter and tears.  We chuckle when we hear a child misbehaving, and one of us can say, “Not ours!”  Although our children and jobs are always frequent topics of conversation, taking time specifically for ourselves away from both is necessary and good. 

Motherhood Lesson: Ignorance Is Empowering

Some say what you don’t know can’t hurt you.  I know that is not true in many respects.  But I found when I faced certain choices, there is a benefit to not being fully aware of what all they will entail.  Some are life altering choices like getting married.  I had no idea of the compromises, ups, downs, twists and turns we would encounter when we decided to join our lives.  I could never have anticipated the joys, discovery, support, love and laughter either.  Having children is another.  I found there are many consequences of becoming a mother through biology or adoption that weren’t even in my consciousness when I decided to make those choices.  I joke with friends that those who already have children don’t share all the gory details until you are “in the club” and it’s too late to turn back.
There are also less momentous choices.   

When I struggled during my early years in college, I dropped out and moved to Europe.  When I returned to the US, I had no specific plan.  I thought I would just figure it out as I went along.  Had I known how lonely and daunting it would be to put my life back on a career track, I might have chosen a safer path.  But as it turns out, I met my husband at the University I chose because it was walking distance from the apartment I could afford.  And after graduating and getting married, I went on to law school.

I used to think my approach of making decisions and then learning what they meant was tied to youth.  But I still do it.  And I may even do it almost intentionally now (my husband is convinced of it).  I wrote about “the anatomy of an accidental auction”.  I volunteered to chair an event to support two great organizations working in my daughter’s birth country of Ethiopia.  My inspiration is pictured with me after an Ethiopian New Year celebration. 

Somewhere in the back of my head, a little voice said, “You don’t have time.  This will be hard.  You don’t know what you are doing.  You will fail.”  But I jumped in and committed to a venue and date in part so I could not get cold feed.   I saw a recent quote attributed to Van Gogh that made this point powerfully, “When you hear a voice in your head that say you can’t paint.  Paint and it will be silenced.”

As I work to silence my little voice, I thought about choices I made over the years without complete information where the same kinds of doubts echoed in my mind.   Deciding to “go all in” is part of the formula for success for me.  Once I cross a certain point, I am committed.  I think another part is being an enthusiastic optimist. I paint a vivid image in my mind of the desired outcome – in part to drown out the little voice.  I touch it, see it, smell it, hear it, and even taste it.    If I hit hurdles, I view those as indications I need to dig deeper -- be more creative, work harder, or ask for help.  I am not above doing whatever it takes.  Plus I am known to have a stubborn streak – admitting the little voice was right means giving into fear. 

Although I don’t like to fail or let my kids fail, I learned failure often painfully provide the biggest growth opportunities.  I have jumped in multiple times.  And I survived and even thrived.   I now remind myself of the successes when panic threatens to overwhelm my optimism.  This moment is almost inevitable when, somewhere around the half way point, the chance for the success I envisioned seems remote. Holding the faith and plowing ahead often reveals options and support I couldn’t see around the corner.  Ignorance may not be bliss . . .but I have found it can be empowering.